Today, I celebrate my 8th month without sex. Not that I am proud or whatever -I’d rather have some more frequently to be honest. But, a bit jokingly, I still feel like it deserve some sort of recognition. The recognition that I am not a slut, for a starter. I was afraid, at first, to be so transparent about my sexual encounters on my blog, because I was scared people would judge me for having adventures with strangers, during my trip. I feared the look of others, being seen as some sort of women that just fucks around, everywhere, with everyone.
After a few articles, I realized that so many other women had similar experiences. And that there was nothing to be ashmed of, about anything I had lived and shared. From getting drunk because I was lonely and fucking a guy on the rooftop of an hostel, to living the chapter of a fairy tale with a German man in the middle of the swiss Alps -all of these stories were mine but not something out of the extraordinary for the majority of girls. Not even in numbers.
Yet, the amount of guys that ended up not bothering to read any of my posts and still give themselves permission to make a judgement about me, was astonishing. From a male friend telling me that “five guys in six months is a lot", to another one assuming I had fucked everyone I drew/posted on my IG -it was clear that the male and female perception of my openess to talk about sex was painting a rather different picture of me, in the end. For the guys, I was basically a slut. For the girls, I was just someone speaking outloud about our reality.
Several years ago, I was in a relationship with an amazing man that had litteraly everything I wanted in a partner. He was emotionaly and financialy stable, mature, loyal, great with communication and he made me laugh and evolve, constantly. As you might have guessed by us not being together now, there was a ‘but’. My partner was asexual. We did not knew that, at first. I, in fact, just assumed he was shy, or sexually unexperienced. So, for the first year of our relationship, I was the one initiating. I was the one trying to find games, roleplays, anything to trigger that part of him I thought was just.. i don’t know.. hidding somewhere inside? But as the years passed, that challenge of trying to get him to be passionate turned into me silently crying in the shower every other night, because my man was not even moving from his computer chair when I was walking naked next to him. I felt undesired, ugly, like there was something wrong with me. I also felt very ashamed, when we ended up learning that he was asexual and that I told him I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship knowing that sex wouldn’t be a big part of it. I felt like it was superficial of me to put sexuality as such an important part of what we had built together- but today I understand it was the best decision I had made, for both of us.
Sexuality has been taboo since forever, but I feel like it is even worst when you are a girl. We are so afraid of being labeled as ‘sluts’, ‘whores’, that we hide our needs and feel the urge to lie about the numbers of partners we had. We feel ashamed for leaving a relationship that cannot fullfill us and we feel ashamed to have one nights or fuckboys that will.
When the relationship was over, all my friends assumed I would just go around on tinder and fuck as much as I could, to make back for the lost years. And to be honest, I tried. I went on 5 dates, with 5 different guys. Had two one night stands and two steady hookeups, that ended up being as meaningless. Then, I deleted the app because turns out that meaningless sex was making me feel the same as not having sex at all. I needed a connection, intimacy and an interest in my partner’s mind and personality. So, ironically enough, I passed another few months without sex at all.
Great story, but where’s the orgy? I’m getting there, hold your horses.
When i was 14, my boyfriend brokeup with me, without giving me any reasons whatsoever. In fact, he didn’t even bother to tell me that he was breaking up -he just started avoiding me completely. It’s only years later that I heard through some common friends that this avant-garde ghoster broke up with me ‘cause there was a rumour on me circulating at school, saying that I had take part in a gang-bang. Which i assume was quite a shock, considering that at that time, I was not doing much more than holding hands and kissing him with my mouth closed. Fast-forward to a a few years-ago, a feeling of deja-vu overwhelmed me when I heard in a work party that there was a rumour about me having a gang-bang with my whole team during a trip to New-York. Like.. HOW? How are these rumours even starting? Anyway, although it would had terrified me in my younger years, I just thought this was too hilarious of a story to not take the opportunity. So, I did not shut it down. And then, just like that, more and more outrageous rumours started circulating (like that one saying I punched a stripper in the face, in a strip-club?), to a point where it was obvious to everyone that all of it was just a pile of crap. Still, I guess there was something about my nonchalance to make sex jokes and talk about it openly, that made some people think that I was some kind of uninhibited, free-spirited sex addict.
So, when my friend Simon asked me to go with him to an 'erotic performance’ his girlfriend was doing in an underground theater of Montreal, I felt like it was my duty as a friend, as a blogger -but also as someone that needs to maintain her sexual open-minded persona, to wholeheartdly agree. So, I did (not without letting my closest friends know that I was, in fact, terrified of going).
The room was divided in two. The front row (anyone sitting there could be called out to be a participant, at any time) and all the other rows (who could just enjoy the show as voyeurs). I had absolutely no idea what was about to happen, but the advertisement was warning everyone that there would be complete nudety on stage, and although I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see any of that -I was sure that I didn’t want to participate. I had even refused an invitation that the crew was giving to some people, prior to the show, to be called on stage for a specific act. “Do everything we tell you to do. Do not do anything that we don’t tell you to do.” That’s what the invitation was saying. Nope. I was open-minded enough to be in the public, that was about to be the extand of it. Unfortunately, by the time we reached the room, the only places left were in the front row. The participant row. I was getting a bit stressed out by the whole thing, until the crew reminded us that no one was forced to do anything or to even go on stage.
The lights went off and a voice came on reminding everyone that we could leave the room at any time, if ever we felt uncomfortable. By that time, I was really second guessing my coming, but I decided to stick with my initial decision and see what the show was about. It was gonna be 1 hour 50, without entract. Sureley, I was going to be ok to sit through that, regardless of what “that” was. A spotlight opened on Simon’s girlfriend: upside down, her torso and head covered by a skirt, her legs and bottom complety naked. She was holding her legs straight in the air and slowly opening them to make a split in the abyss. I thought I would be more shocked to see a vagina exposed so vividly, but the shock came only when she pushed a flower (with a glass jar*) out of it. A second naked character entered the stage, she picked up the flower from the first lady’s vagina. Lights go off.
A new scene, low intensity lighting. A woman wearing white lingerie comes in. She sits on a carpet and starts lighting some bowls and sticks on fire. That scene is actually beautiful to watch. It’s sensual, she plays with the fire all over herself, moaning when it touches her skin. I never was a fan of contemporary arts, but I can see the parallel she is trying to do with burning with desires, or loving something you shouldn’t love, perhaps.
New scene. A naked woman is doing some acrobaties, tangled up in a rope. It’s beautiful to see, too. There’s water sound, like the waves in a storm. And she’s getting more and more energetic in her movements, until she stops. I think to myself that this is way more artsy than what I had assume, so we should be good. But then, the next scene starts.
A woman in black is sitting in a chair, with some sort of a jumping jack toy on her knees. It’s a child-like figure, with a face exhibiting a disturbing rictus. She starts moving the jumping jack toy, mimicking a child playing with itself. That’s a bit uncomfortable to watch. It last a while, too.
The next scene is a woman dressed up as a sado-mazo lamp. Like, full-on leather but with her head stuck inside a lamp shade. She starts stripping and my mind just question all of the choices I’ve made in my life to be sitting in front of a strip-teasing lamp. I cannot stop myself from laughing. Once the lamp is fully naked and the lights have gone out and on again, there is now a woman sleeping on a couch. She is in some sort of satin short-pyjamas. Two people dressed up in black enter the stage -they hold the jumping jack toy. It has no head, now. Just a wooden body. They start masturbating the sleeping woman with the toy. Okay, here we go. I wouldn’t say i felt discomfort.. I am just really wondering how the fuck did I end up here. I am like a passenger, like I am watching this from outside of my body. I feel nothing. No discomfort, but no sensuality either. The girl finishes herself, on stage. Lights goes off again.
A bunch of other things happen, like my friend Simon getting on stage to get a lap dance from his girlfriend. Then a female clown with a strap-on comes on the stage. Someone screams “Party”, the cue for everyone who received the “invitation” to go on stage. They are about 6 spectators, that the crew sit in circle around some sort of a blanket, on the floor. One naked girl enter the stage with a cake. She puts it at the center of the blanket. She sits on it, her vagina now getting stuffed by the cake crushing between the floor and herself. What the fuck am I looking at? I feel like i’ve just opened the wrong thread on reddit. One of the performer comes back with a styrofoam package and a spatula. She scrap some cake from the girl’s vagina and put it in the styrofom container, not before licking some of it from the spatula. It’s chaotic and vulgar and to me, none of that is very sensual at all. I am just so confused. A bath appears in the corner of the stage and the cake girl jumps in it.
She starts showering. This act is actually visually pretty. There is steam and smoke and the lighting is very cinematographic. I like it, again. The women that was earlier catching fire comes and do more fire shit with the cake girl. It’s artsy, sensual, pretty to watch. She leaves. A voice resonate in the room. “From as long as I remember, I always had fantasms.” The girl starts masturbating with the shower-head. I zone out again.
Throwback to a party I had recently where a girl was telling me about the fact that she had a one night and the guy came after two minutes. She was so frustrated, that she got in the shower and started playing with the shower-head/herself and moaning as loudly as possible so her one night could understood the water was better than him. “What a fucking waste of time”, she was telling me. I remember thinking she was a fucking boss, i could never do that. I’d reassure the poor guy and just ghost him after, like a fucking coward. She wasn’t the first “sexualy selfish” women i’ve heard about, either. In Thailand, i met a guy that told me about that one time where he was fucking a girl, and after she came she just stood up and left. Without taking the time to finish him. She was like: i’m done, thank you. It made me laugh. The raise of womanhood.
Her moaning brought me back to the theater. She finished herself, visibly satisfied. I am actually surprised that none of this has turned me on so far. I feel like there is just so many things happening, and it’s so “in your face” that it kinda killing the whole sensuality of it?
Simon’s girlfriend is back on stage. She masturbate herself with a vibrator, sitting in front of a microphone. She’s wearing a strap-on that she is vigorously masturbating, too -and a luchador’s mask. I am back to being confused. She starts singing opera. I laugh, i mean it’s so many things at the same time, it is ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as those rumours about me and gang-bangs.
There’s a few other more artsy scenes, visually beautiful, and then it’s the finale. Simon’s girlfriend comes on stage again. She is naked, except the strap-on. She makes a beautiful speech about sexual freedom, about it being still tabooed even though it’s not hurting anyone. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I agree with all of that. But this whole experience also makes me realize that if it was just so out-there, it wouldn’t be so exciting. Having it being so vulgar, so obvious, so in your face, it’s making it almost banal. It’s stealing away from it, in a sense. At least, to me.
The show finishes. They get a standing ovation. I stand, claping, trying to process everything I just saw. This was definitively one of the weirdest thing I have ever witnessed. Yet, I do not regret attending at all. It had me thinking, leaving me with so many questions, the biggest one them being : will there now be a rumour of me doing gang-bang with clowns?
Comments